As we usually do in staff meeting, in preparation for whatever theme is coming up for the next month, we reflected last month on our upcoming October theme of Belonging. Part of that reflection centered on the differences between belonging and fitting in. I’d never really thought about the distinction between them. If asked, my unreflective answer would probably have been that they are similar and related. Maybe not identical, but similar. Further, because I’d spent a lifetime fitting in (or trying to), I’d seriously confused and conflated the two. I might have said I “needed to fit in to belong.”
As we talked and as I’ve thought about it since, they aren’t the same, and the difference is significant. Put simply—perhaps a bit too simply—they are nearly opposites in some ways. Remember how Expectation was our September theme? One way to understand fitting in is that it is about meeting expectations. It’s about what we must do to fit in. It’s frequently about changing how we would otherwise be.
Fitting in was a predominant theme in my family of origin. In part, that was simply the culture of the late 1940s and 50s. There were rules and standards, and one was expected to abide by them. [My use of the impersonal and stuffy “one” here is intentional. It conveys the emotional tenor of what was going on.] Many of these rules and standards were gender- and class-based. Women typically did not wear slacks in public even if they did at home (my mother). Nor did women smoke in public, even if they were smokers (also my mother). Smoking in public was OK for men.
Other norms and mores concerned how children were supposed to behave (“children should be seen and not heard”). Because I was a little girl, it was expected that I wear dresses to school, which also meant that there were a lot of things I couldn’t do on the playground at recess. Others were likely the result of living in a small town. Yet others were more particularly rooted in the culture of my family—display only happy feelings, for example—no sadness, certainly no anger, and crying was met with correction. Be polite. Further, one must be a good Republican!
These spoken and unspoken requirements for fitting in can so easily become the kinds of expectations that limit us, those things that, as Rev. Seth spoke about one Sunday in September, keep us from “doing the impossible.” It also can lead directly to discrimination against those who do not “measure up.”
Belonging is a different matter. We belong simply because we are, just as we are. If we’re sad, we belong. If we’re “too loud,” we still belong. If we are differently-abled, we belong. If we look “different,” we belong. If we agree with the majority on something, we belong, but we also belong if we disagree, even if we disagree vehemently. Belonging isn’t about fitting in with whatever culture is dominant. It’s about a culture that is radically open to diversity, radically accepting of who we are. Full stop. Not “accepting in spite of.” There isn’t any “in spite of” with belonging.
The seminary I attended was quite accepting of diversity…up to a point. We had one faculty member, a noted biblical scholar, who had studied for quite a long time in Germany and enjoyed wearing lederhosen, the short or knee-length leather breeches that are worn as traditional garments in German-speaking countries. This caused some raised eyebrows and sidelong glances at this very well-respected and well-liked scholar. There was an academic dress code of sorts, and Burt was over the line!
Some of this seems curious or quaint now. Some of it makes me flinch because of the emotional violence it carries with it. But now I want to raise two questions, because the difference between fitting in and belonging is still very much with us. As a denomination and as a congregation, we say “We accept people as they are.” and “You have a home here.”
Question one: to what extent are these statements true? We’re probably all seen people wearing MAGA (“make America great again”) t-shirts or baseball caps. If someone walked through our doors on a Sunday morning in a MAGA shirt, would they be accepted? I’m not sure. We UUs do have a culture of fitting in, right alongside a culture of belonging.
Question two: Can these statements be 100% true? No, because we can’t allow someone to tear apart the fabric of community in the name of accepting everyone. We cannot allow abusive behavior to go unchecked. Belonging doesn’t mean “anything goes” but it does mean that everyone is a person of worth and dignity, even if we have to set boundaries with their behavior or if we ultimately need to ask them to leave the community.
A culture of radical belonging is, or so it seems to me, always an aspirational value because of the complexities of the world in which we live. It’s always a matter of finding a balance. It’s always about “how wide can we make our umbrella?” May we continue to aspire! And may we have forbearance with those who we perceive to lag behind us on the aspiring/realizing continuum.
Rev. Julia